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Lorena Castillo

Free · every Thursday

What your teenager says, and what to say back

I’m Lorena. I’m the mother of two teenagers, and I write down what they say, what I think they mean and what I try. I sell phrasebooks and planners for the fridge, plus two video courses.

Plain Talk, every Thursday

One email every Thursday. Unsubscribe any time.

Lorena against a terracotta wall

Chapter 1 · 7:30 am

Getting out the door

I have nothing clean.

I did not do the laundry, and I am embarrassed.

Try There is a hoodie on the dryer. Tonight we run a load together.

Issue 43: I have nothing clean.

Five more minutes.

I am worn out, and the day has started badly.

Try I will wake you again at 7:40. Toast or cereal?

Issue 37: Five more minutes.

Hoodies and backpacks on an entryway bench
Short words at a long hour, and what is under them.

Chapter 2 · 3:30 pm

After school

I am fine.

I am not fine, and I do not know how to start.

Try Okay. I am around all evening if that changes.

Issue 46: I am fine.

Nothing.

I need some time before I can talk about it.

Try I am here when you want to tell me. Do you want a snack?

Issue 40: Nothing.

Lorena at the kitchen island with her teens
The first twenty minutes home, when they say the least.

Chapter 3 · 6:30 pm

Dinner

I am not hungry.

I ate at school, or I am upset, or I do not like this.

Try Sit with us anyway. There is food on the counter if you change your mind.

Issue 44: I am not hungry.

Why do we have to sit here?

I want to be on my phone, and I want to be treated as grown up.

Try Fifteen minutes, phones in the basket, then you can go.

Issue 38: Why do we have to sit here?

Teen cooking quesadillas with his mum
The table, the phone and the plate nobody wants to finish.

Chapter 4 · 8 pm

Homework

I will do it later.

I am avoiding something I think I will not get right.

Try What is the first small piece? Let us do that one together.

Issue 45: I will do it later.

Printed workbook and conversation cards
Putting it off, hiding it and blaming the teacher.

Chapter 5 · 10 pm

Bedtime

Never mind.

I wanted to tell you something and the moment passed.

Try Okay. I will be in the kitchen if you remember.

Issue 42: Never mind.

I cannot sleep.

My head is full, or my phone is.

Try Come and sit for five minutes. The phone stays on the counter.

Issue 36: I cannot sleep.

Quiet desert street at dusk
The hour when the real talk starts, if you stay in the room.

Chapter 6 · Saturday

The weekend

Everyone is going.

I am afraid of being left out.

Try Tell me who, where and how you are getting home, and let us see.

Issue 47: Everyone is going.

I am bored.

I miss my friends and I miss having a plan.

Try Want to come to the shop with me, or have a friend over?

Issue 41: I am bored.

Teen siblings hiking a desert trail at sunset
Plans, friends and how late is too late.

A free letter every Thursday: one thing a teenager said this week, what it meant and what I would try.

When they say they are fine

No. 465 min read

Dear parent,

This week my daughter came home, put her bag on the floor and said she was fine.Note 11 Fine: here, a short answer a teenager gives to close a conversation without saying how they feel. I had not asked. It is a sentence that can mean almost anything, and it took me years to stop answering it.

1 Fine: here, a short answer a teenager gives to close a conversation without saying how they feel.

What I used to do was ask again.Note 22 Take at its word: to accept what someone says without asking again or looking for a hidden meaning. “Are you sure?” “You do not look fine.” Each question made the word fine a little more firmly shut. What I do now is take her at her word, say that I am around all evening, and go and chop an onion. It is surprising how often the real answer arrives while I have a knife in my hand and my back turned.

2 Take at its word: to accept what someone says without asking again or looking for a hidden meaning.

I do not mean that every fine is a secret.Note 33 Nearby: close enough to be found, and far enough not to be in the way. Sometimes it is a bad day, a tired body or a long walk home. But a fine that arrives with a slammed door or a bag left in the middle of the hall is usually an invitation to leave someone alone for twenty minutes, and then to be somewhere nearby.

3 Nearby: close enough to be found, and far enough not to be in the way.

If you want to try it, take the next fine at its word. Say you are around, and mean it. Next week I will write about a different two-word sentence, which is “Never mind”, and it is harder.

From the kitchen,

Lorena

For the fridge door

About

About me

I have a fifteen-year-old and a seventeen-year-old, a kitchen island where most of our talking happens and a long habit of getting it wrong. I started writing down the short things my teenagers said, because they were never the whole story, and what I did next mattered more than I thought.

Each post is one phrase, said at a time of day you will know: what they said, what I think it meant and one thing to try. The posts are free. What I sell is the part you can put on the fridge: the phrasebook, the cards for the car, the planners and the courses for the days when nobody is talking.